The Downward Spiral
by 20Below
Summary: A ex-Hime gathering goes awry, leaving past memories to be resurfaced, and a whole new side of Natsuki to come into the light. Secrets will be revealed and none of the twelve will be ready for it. ShizNat.
1. Prologue

**The Downward Spiral**

_(Prologue) Chapter One: Masks _

Wind kissed the plastic visor on her helmet as Natsuki slowly eased out of her park in front of her apartment block. The rent was cheap on this side of town, only a half hours drive from Fuuka, in a car at least, and without Natsuki at the wheel. It only takes her about fifteen minutes, disregarding a certain amount of elementary road rules, one hundred kilometres an hour in a fifty zone for example. Regardless, Natsuki moved out of Fuuka shortly after the aftermaths of the carnival. The academy brought with it so many memories and Natsuki had no longer wanted to be reminded.

Pushing her hand forward, Natsuki accelerated, feeling the deep rumble of mechanics below her and the surroundings blur in response. Narrowing her eyes Natsuki tried to concentrate on the road and her bike, not at all feeling like playing out scenarios of how this evening was going to turn out. Midori and her damn Hime-Ranger nonsense. Tonight was one of the monthly 'parties' that the ex-Himes were to attend. Surprisingly most were more than willing to keep contact, and it was usually a full house every 'party'. Tonight however, Shizuru would not be present, a fact that Natsuki could not help but be slightly grateful for. It wasn't as if she didn't _want_ to see her crimson eyed friend but the awkward tension between Shizuru and Nao was started to get a little repetitive. That and last month Shizuru had made her almost lose consciousness from blood rushes to her head. She could do without the embarrassment in front of the other Himes thankyou very much.

Natsuki sighed as she saw the familiar karaoke bar come into her view. She turned the corner into the entrance none to gently, leaning her entire weight into the turn. Pulling on the back breaks she skidded around the corner at top speed and skidded to an abrupt halt at an empty parking spot. Humming in satisfaction she dismounted the bike gracefully, pulling of her helmet in the process.

"Must you always have such a dramatic entrance Natsuki?" A humoured voice.

Natsuki turned her head towards the voice, running a hand through her blue locks. Mai.

"I wasn't aware I was being watched" She responded blithely, walking towards the entrance. "And besides, I have to get my kicks from somewhere these days right?"

Humour danced in Mai's eyes. "Perhaps in less dangerous ways, ne?"

Natsuki held the door open, letting Mai walk through first, then, unwillingly, followed her in. Looking around the poster covered walls Natsuki was reminded of the first time she had visited this place, not knowing that it was the first visit to hell of many to come. Ignorance truly is bliss she thought distractedly.

"Where's the mongrel?" She questioned, suddenly realising a distinct lack of complaints about food.

"Inside already," Mai replied, ushering Natsuki towards the room where the other Hime's were waiting. "we gave in and ordered pizza for Mikoto. As soon as the delivery boy knocked she pounced on him, poor dear."

Natsuki snorted quietly, well aware of Mikoto's antics when food was involved.

"Where's Shizuru tonight? I know when I spoke to her she said she was unable to attend, she didn't give a reason though…" Mai trailed off thoughtfully and glanced back at Natsuki, hoping the blue haired beauty would ease her curiosity.

Natsuki replied easily, "College stuff." And that was that.

Mai hummed thoughtfully.

"Why were you outside by the way?" It had suddenly occurred to Natsuki how bizarre it was to run into Mai in the parking lot when the party was well under way. She had been running late, having to psyche herself up to get ready for the upcoming night.

"Getting some fresh air, waiting for you, we haven't really spoken much lately… and… well, are you alright, Natsuki? You've seemed distant lately, more so than usual." Mai had stopped in the hallway just before the door, apparently not wanting to share this conversation with the others. Natsuki was grateful.

Averting her eyes, Natsuki thought about how to answer that. Was she alright? Some days, it seems like she might be, seems like she was doing okay. Others… well, other days she didn't even feel like getting up in the morning and facing the world. Other days it just seemed like too much. And the nightmares. The nightmares were the worst part of it. Flashes of that night during the carnival; the crash, Nao, Shizuru, the tea house. That night where her innocence was stolen, lost in a moment of madness.

She cleared her throat, "I'm fine."

Mai nodded, unconvinced. Both of them kept silent, yet both of them were thinking the same thing.

_No your not._

* * *

**A/N: **Welcome to The Downward Spiral XD This is my first story so i'd appreciate any sort of feedback. I'm also looking for a beta, because i'm sure i've missed some basic gramma and i know how annoying those sorts of things can be when reading a story. This will be a mulit-chapter story and i'll try my best to update regularly. Oh, and dont worry, the chapters will get longer!

Thanks everyone, 20Below.


	2. Unstoppable Force

**The Downward Spiral**

_Discalaimer: I don't own Mai HiME. Doy._

_Chapter Two: Unstoppable Force_

Natsuki stepped through the doorway and into the darkened room. Squinting slightly at the odd lighting, she took a few steps, the brightly coloured lights moving along the floor and across the walls, making the room seem more like a dance and less like karaoke. Yells were directed at her when people started noticing her arrival. She vaguely heard the sound of the door closing behind her before she was dragged further into the room by a some what intoxicated Midori. Then again, when was the 'seventeen' year old _not_ some what intoxicated.

"Natsuki! My favourite blue haired lovely! Why are you so late?" Midori was over the top as always, slightly yelling in Natsuki's ear as she slung an arm around her shoulders. It was quickly pried off.

"I'm hardly late." Natsuki replied evasively, looking around the room, trying to find someone to save her from the miserable excuse for a teacher. More like a lecherous, drunk, old man. _Urgh her breath stinks_, Natsuki thought, crinkling her nose slightly in distaste. Intensifying her search, Natsuki spotted Akira in the far corner and, mumbling something incoherent to Midori, set off in her direction.

The young ninja was not necessarily a good friend of the bikers; however both of them shared the same lack of enthusiasm for these gatherings. _Besides_, Natsuki thought, _she wasn't bad company, she hardly talks, but I suppose it's better than meaningless conversation. _Lifting her eyebrows in greeting, Natsuki leaned against the wall next to the mysterious girl, crossing her arms across her leather clad chest, choosing to observe the people around her.

Almost everyone was here tonight, with the exception of Shizuru, and apparently Sister. Glancing around briefly, Natsuki couldn't see the woman; however her attention was diverted to Haruka, _noisy brute_ she thought distractedly. The blonde was waving her arms around animatedly, loudly telling some story about her college classes to a slightly overwhelmed Yukino. Natsuki had always liked the mousy girl, finding her to be an intelligent girl, despite the company she keeps. Moving further around the room Natsuki was greeted with the sight of Mikoto stuffing her face, not an uncommon spectacle and so she moved her gaze further to the right, where Mai was setting up the karaoke with a clueless Akane. Chuckling slightly at the speed at which Mai was setting up the cables, Natsuki turned her emerald eyes to the far left corner. Nao was sitting sideways in the darkened corner, sprawled across the chair in a distinctly feline pose. Her eyes seared into Natsuki's as she slowly smiled at the leather clad biker mockingly. Natsuki narrowed her eyes at the redhead and averted her eyes, not in the mood for Nao's banter tonight, especially if the younger girl seemed to be in the mood for picking fights.

"Where's Fujino?" The voice cut through her slight stupor, and Natsuki realised she was unaware of how much time had passed that she and Akira had been lounging together, staring at the others. A quick glance at Mai, who was just finishing setting up, told her not too long.

Turning her head slightly, Natsuki looked towards the other girl, wondering why people were asking _her_ about Shizuru all of a sudden.

Repressing the urge to respond somewhat sarcastically, Natsuki sighed. "College stuff."

Akira seemed appeased by that response and went back to staring at the room. Figuring that this is what the girl planned on doing for the remainder of the night, Natsuki set off to get a drink.

The ice princess crossed the room leisurely and peered into the punch bowl on the table in the corner of the room. Then she peered at Midori. Glancing between the two a few times, Natsuki decided to lay off the 'punch', guessing it had quite a bit more kick to it than most people were expecting. Then again, they might have come to the same conclusion about it being spiked, as the bowl was suspiciously full.

Turning on her heel she came face to face with Nao, and instinctively took a step back to increase the space between them. Nao sneered at her and moved to the side, sarcastically waving her hand to the side and bowing slightly, motioning for Natsuki to pass through. Scowling at her, she did just that. Nao seemed to be in an uncharacteristically bad mood, not that she wasn't always a sour bitch, if you'll excuse the phrasing, but tonight she seemed a little more aggravated. _Perhaps something to do with her mother_, Natsuki thought and then disregarded the notion, not really quite up to caring about the reasoning behind Nao tonight.

"Natsuki! Come sit!" Mai was calling to her ecstatically from across the room. It seems like she had the karaoke working. Joy.

Sitting on the couch and propping her legs up on the coffee table, Natsuki prepared herself.

"Everyone! The fourth monthly Hime gathering will now officially begin!" Midori slurred her way through the introductory for the night and everyone took a seat on the couches, despite the unwillingness of some. Nao was dragged to her seat by Mikoto, who insisted that everyone had to sit, much to the amusement of Natsuki. The two plopped down on the opposite side of the bluenette, Nao squishing into the far corner of the couch in order to put some distance between her and the bottomless stomach. Akira ambled away from the wall and joined Yukino and Haruka at their couch while Mai plonked down next to Mikoto. Uh oh Natsuki thought, that only leaves –

"Helloooo, lovely." Midori looked at Natsuki in what she could only assume to be an attempt at a seductive grin. Grimacing at both her luck and the sight, Natsuki averted her gaze and shuffled down the couch slightly.

"Ahem" Mai brought the attention of everyone back to herself. "Now, if you'll all please turn you attentions to the _karaoke roulette_ we can begin!" Her voice was filled with barely contained excitement. Unsurprisingly she was the only one filled with such excitement at the prospect of karaoke. Natsuki sent a mental note to herself to remember to ask for a vote on a change of location for these gatherings.

Picking up the remote Mai angled the device towards the board pinned to the wall and pressed the 'go' button.

Instead of starting like it should have, or making any sort of response for that matter, the TV beside it started to spark and smoke.

"Eh?" Mai turned in horror to look at the sparking television.

Natsuki was gleeful. "Does this mean no karaoke?" Her voice was far too hopeful for Mai's liking and she turned to look at the green eyed beauty through narrowed eyes. Natsuki sweat dropped.

"I'm not sure what went wrong." Mai was muttering in disappointment, glaring ruefully at the offending piece of plastic that had ruined her chance to sing the night away. Natsuki didn't think the remote was quite deserving of the glare it was receiving as she was quite grateful to it. This gave her a chance to escape this little meeting and run to the safety of her apartment. She was tired of holding herself together; it had been a long day.

"What are we going to do now?" Yukino's small voice diverted everyone's attention away from the simmering TV.

"Fear not younglings, Midori-sensei has a backup plan for occasions such as these!"

"You plan for this sort of thing?" Nao cut in scathingly, however was quickly forgotten as Midori continued.

"Hime-rangers! I present to you my brilliant plan! We play a game!" The slight interest that Midori had managed to scrounge was quickly lost. Multiple disappointed sighs sounded from around the table, Natsuki thought them fools for allowing themselves to be hopeful about a saving grace from _Midori_ of all people. She sniggered quietly at the thought.

"Something funny, dog?" Nao glared at her so hatefully that it made Natsuki abruptly stop her quiet mirth and wonder what she possibly could have done to deserve it. She hadn't seen Nao since the last gathering and nothing out of the ordinary had happened, so she was left confused.

The room quietened a bit, as if they were wary of a possible storm brewing. Natsuki supposed the comparison wasn't far off the truth. She would have to be careful so as not to set Nao off. If she did, Natsuki might follow her into the deep end, and with her emotions as frayed as they were tonight… well, she didn't think that it would be pretty. She and Nao hadn't spoken about what went on in the carnival. Nor had she spoken with anyone about it. Shizuru and Mai had both tried, but she had wanted to hear nothing of it. Natsuki figured that if she ignored it, the hurt and agony that she had suffered would disappear eventually. It had worked for a while. But recently she had been feeling worse than ever, memories resurfacing in her dreams, small things she had started to notice about her friends, and the constant fear she felt whenever she was with Shizuru. It was wearing her down.

"Well?" Nao's prompt brought her out of her thoughts and she realised that not only had she not answered the redhead but the whole room was staring at her. Looks like the rest of the Himes had found their source of entertainment for tonight. Mai was the only one who looked slightly apprehensive. Natsuki figured that she knew things could turn ugly with the mood that both Nao and she were in.

"Nothing funny, no, Nao." Natsuki tried to keep her voice even as she gazed back at the girl.

"I suppose you _would_ be a little dumber tonight, what with your psychotic master away." Nao's words bit her, despite herself.

"Shizuru isn't psychotic, _spider_." Natsuki threw back. Nao always seemed to bring out the worst in her, despite how hard she tried to control her temper. _Calm down_ she mentally chanted. It wasn't helping.

"You an idiot or what? That _woman_," Nao spat out the word as if it was poison, "is a monster, and all of you are just blind to see it." Now she glared at Yukino, confusing Natsuki – what did Yukino have to do with this?

"Watch your mouth!" Natsuki leaned forward in her seat, hands gripping the edge of the couch angrily. What was all this all of a sudden? It was as if, with Shizuru away, a dam had broken free and Nao was spilling out all the pent up frustration that she had tonight.

"Or what pup? You'll set the scary lesbian on me?" Nao laughed; a high pitched sound. To Natsuki it was like nails on a chalk board. And it sent her blood running madly throughout her body. She bared her teeth in response.

"Oh, there there," Nao cooed, "I'm sure she'll still want you, even when she realises what a coward you are."

"What's your damn problem Yuuki?" Natsuki growled, vaguely hearing a voice in the back of her head telling her something that sounded suspiciously like _calm_. She was far from calm now.

"Oh, my problem?" Nao grinned maliciously, and then scowled, suddenly serious again. "My _problem_ is people like you, moping around and pretending the world owes you something just because your little girlfriend loves you a bit too much in your otherwise perfect life." Nao's voice rose progressively throughout her impromptu speech, ending in an almost yell. She was breathing heavy, as if she had sprinted around a football field, and she was almost off her seat she was leaning forward so much.

Natsuki was speechless, honestly, what the hell? Then she was confused, what had she done to Yuuki to deserve this onslaught? _Then, _then she was pissed.

* * *

A/N: There you have it people, the second installment. Next chapter should be out some time next week. R & R grins hopefully


	3. Immoveable Object

**The Downward Spiral**

_Chapter Three: Immovable Object_

Mai looked apprehensively between the two. Stepping in at this point would be like putting yourself between an arrow and its target. Unfortunately, or fortunately in her case, Mai appreciated having all limbs in tact. Nevertheless, things were just a couple of wrong words away from getting out of hand. Both Nao and Natsuki had such strong convictions, and with both of them apparently in a worse off mood, well, Mai didn't want to think about the consequences.

Looking around the room, Mai was greeted with the same speechless expression that she was sure adorned her face. Midori's mouth was catching flies, and, squinting, Mai was sure she noticed some drool in the corner of her mouth. Mentally she sighed, the sensei probably found the two of them fighting incredibly sexy or some such nonsense. Haruka looked some what oblivious, and more than a little confused, probably at the fact that there were people yelling and she wasn't. Beside her Yukino sat rigidly, looking slightly guilty and more than a little worried. While Akira was readying herself to step in and pry Nao and Natsuki off each other, if it came to that. Even Mikoto had stopped stuffing her face, although Mai noticed that her hand was moving automatically between the plate in front of her and her mouth. Raising an eyebrow she saw that they younger girl was still eating, but with her eyes glued on the two raging girls. Akane looked slightly scared, and Mai couldn't blame her, no one wanted this conversation to turn any further down the track of anything carnival related. Most of them had only recently started to move on, and none of them wanted it to be brought up tonight.

Preparing herself for the worst Mai decided to let this scene play out, figuring that the two obviously needed to get something off their chests. And although the busty girl would have proffered for it to be done at a much more secluded location, what secrets did any of the Hime have that the rest didn't already know. We all went through the same horror.

The air whistled as it blew between Natsuki's teeth. Her jaw clenched painfully, eyes narrowed in anger and hands gripping the fabric of the sofa tightly, as if they were the only things holding her down. She was past the point of caring about whatever brought this reaction out of Nao. She was past the point of calm. And she was past the point of noticing the others around her. Now, it was just her and Nao.

Nearly growling at the younger girl Natsuki moved forward off the couch so that she was perched on the end. "What would you know about it, _Yuuki Nao_." She said the name mockingly, raising her eyebrow in a silent challenge, daring Nao to push her even further.

Nao took the bait without hesitation. "More than you could probably imagine, little puppy." Nao sneered. "What? Did you think that no one would find out? You forget Nat-su-ki," Now she purred out her name, looking at her in mock sympathy. "that some of here shared the same fate from the hands of that whore, and _some_ of us here," subtly she glanced at the couch where Yukino and Haruka were watching. "hate her just as much as we did then."

"What are you _talking_ about? The carnival is _over_, little spider." Natsuki opened her mouth to continue, but it was abruptly snapped shut as Nao cut in.

"No! No it's not _over_," She said it as if Natsuki was a fool for even believing that notion. "it will _never_ be over."

Natsuki had had enough.

"What's the matter Yuuki? Still sour about your eye? Go cry to your mummy. That is, if she still wants you. I'm not sure how she can stand such a whore for a daughter." Natsuki regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth. Nao's mother was always a dangerous topic, even with her awake from the long coma. It was a conversation topic that most people conveniently forget about, better that than accidently saying a wrong word and brining the wrath of Nao on your head.

Seeing the rage build in Nao's matching green orbs, Natsuki mentally prepared herself for the up coming onslaught. Trying to remember what she had been telling herself earlier so things wouldn't get out of hand.

Instead of the rush of insults she expected, Nao started laughing. Hysterically.

"Ooohh Kuga, _I'm_ the whore?" She sniggered, still glaring at Natsuki hatefully. "I'm no whore. You are." She grinned then, as if she was in on some private joke. Which Natsuki supposed, she was, because the blue haired beauty had no idea what she was talking about and she expressed as much back to the young redhead.

"Don't play dumb, Kuga, no matter how much it suits you." She raised an eyebrow calmly, giving Natsuki a chance to think on what the hell she was on about. She came up blank.

The others looked just as confused as Natsuki snuck a quick glance around the room. Yukino caught her eye just as she was about to reply. The look on her face stopped Natsuki up short. What would she have to be sorry about?

"No?" Nao's voice tore her eyes away from the quiet girl and brought her back to the conversation at hand.

"Perhaps I should refresh your memory, as well as everyone else's here." Nao hummed sarcastically in question.

"Nao." It was a quiet warning, however not from the person everyone expected. Yukino was gazing at the younger girl, looking to be almost pleading at her.

Natsuki realised something much more was going on here than just a simple banter between her and Nao got out of hand.

"What's going on?" Her voice was cautious now, as if she didn't really want to know.

Haruka crossed her arms across her chest and turned her head away, refusing to answer. Yukino's eyes were downcast, as is she was too scared or ashamed to butt in any further. Natsuki looked to Mai for some support, but as she met the busty redhead's eyes, she looked just as confused as she was. She looked back at Nao, where the catty girl was leering maliciously at her.

"No ones going to answer you Kuga," She glanced around the room, lingering her eyes on Yukino and Haruka. "They're much too ashamed." She snickered, as is she found the whole situation rather amusing.

"Ashamed of _what_?" Natsuki managed to force the words out through her gritted teeth.

"What I want to know is how you could just stay still and let it happen." Nao trailed off thoughtfully, not answering Natsuki's question, enraging her. What game was she playing at? It was a dangerous one.

Natsuki let out an aggravated half yell, "Let _what _happen!" She jumped up from her seat, having had quite enough of the dancing around Nao was doing. The young girl followed her actions, rising languidly off her seat. Natsuki clenched her fists.

"Imagine, just letting her do as she pleases with you," Nao brought a hand to her mouth in mock horror. "one might think you actually _enjoyed_ it."

Natsuki felt a sickness brewing in her stomach, a lump in her throat. _Was she talking about what I think she is…? _Natsuki's mental thought trailed off and her eyes widened. The only people who knew _anything_ about what happened that night were Shizuru, herself and… Natsuki trained enraged eyes onto the couch where Yukino and Haruka sat.

"Natsuki, I'm so sor--" Yukino's attempt at an apology was cut short.

"Shut up." Natsuki's voice was deadly quiet, brimming with barely suppressed rage, and had a visible effect on everyone in the room.

She couldn't think. White hot blood was pumping through her veins, jumbling her thoughts. She noticed vaguely that her hands were shaking and she tore her eyes away from the loud mouth blonde to look at them.

"What's the matter Kuga?" Nao was speaking again, her voice sent a shudder through Natsuki. "Don't tell me you don't know what she did?"

The bikers head snapped up and her face visibly paled. A reaction that seemed to please Nao.

"Natsuki..?" A hesitant voice reached her ears. Mai's voice; concerned and confused all at once. She supposed most of them would be feeling like that; confused. She could barely hear her however, from the blood that was blocking her ears.

"Didn't she tell you?" Nao was relentless, apparently wanting to cause Natsuki as much pain and humiliation as possible.

"Shut up, Nao." Her voice was quiet, and despite herself she faltered half way through the words.

Nao continued on as if she hadn't heard her, informing the others of the answer as if she was gossiping around a camp fire. "_Fujino_ isn't quite as innocent as she'd like us all to believe. As Kuga would like us to believe. Isn't that right _Nat-su-ki_?" She looked over to Natsuki, purring out her name the way Shizuru did. She made it sound disgusting.

"Shut up." Natsuki repeated her quiet plea, her voice a little stronger. She would not let herself be beaten by Yuuki Nao.

"She has needs just like the rest of us, _desires_." Nao moved forward and leaned her palms onto the table, positioning herself closer to the bluenette. "You pushed her too far Kuga, offering yourself to her, letting yourself trust in her to take care of you, not take advantage of your weakened state after she saved you from me." Nao sneered and put on a fake Kyoto accent. "Ara, what a hero, ne?"

Natsuki said nothing, her voice was stuck somewhere near her naval. Her eyes were wide, face pale, like a panther staring down the barrel of a gun.

"Nao, _please_." Yukino whimpered slightly, begging with Nao to stop. "Look at her Nao, please, stop this."

Nao was too far gone to acknowledge her, too consumed in the clash, in the story she was telling. Nao stared intensely into emerald eyes, easily spying the pain and fear that consumed them. She didn't even blink as she spoke the next words maliciously to Natsuki, quietly so that the others had to strain to hear.

"Its no small wonder she couldn't resist, gave in to temptation. Fucked you while you feigned slee--"

Natsuki's control on her temper had been thinning steadily throughout the entire night, and this was the last it could take. With little regard to anything else around her she snapped. Grabbing the edge of the table with her left hand, she upturned, threw it to the side. It was in between her and Nao, and at the moment, that was the worst possible spot to be in.

Stalking forwards the few steps between her and Nao she grabbed the redhead's collar and slammed her against the side wall. Nao looked suspiciously calm, although to Natsuki, the expression on her face was of little concern to her. She wanted to see the younger girl bleed, let her feel the same pain she had just resurfaced for Natsuki.

She vaguely noticed the others scrambling to take action behind her as she held Nao against the wall, letting her feet dangle in the air. Understanding that she would need to hurry if she wanted to cause the girl pain she threw them both to the floor, Natsuki straddling Nao. Blindly she started throwing punches, wanting to be the instigator of as much pain as possible on the girl. She was unaware of the silent tears that were flowing steadily down her cheeks, of the incoherent words she was yelling out at the younger girl.

Suddenly she felt herself being pulled off the girl violently; she struggled wildly; trying to get back to Nao to finish off what the girl had started. She had played with fire and Natsuki was going to make sure she got burned. She heard people yelling at her to stop, to calm down, but she couldn't, she was out of control with rage and hurt. She needed an outlet.

"Natsuki! _Natsuki!_" Mai appeared in front of her, grabbing both her forearms, the other two people were still holding her back with grips on her upper arms. She immediately stopped her thrashing, not wanting to hurt Mai. Slumping forwards slightly onto the girl she started to sob hysterically, scraping her hands on the carpet where she was wilting, needing to grip onto something. Nothing was there.

Mai threw her arms around her protectively and she suddenly threw them off, needing to get out of here. She didn't want to break in front of everyone. She feared that it was a little too late for that however.

She looked up hesitantly and realised the eyes of all the Hime were on her. Expressions of fear confusion, concern. Akira and Haruka were the two who had grabbed her, she noticed distantly. Turning her head back to the girl in front of her she watched as Nao smiled at her slowly from her position on the floor, blood flecked on her cheek. Natsuki didn't know what else to do, so she ran.

_Like a panther staring down the barrel of a gun._

**A/N: **Next chapter will be a bit longer comming, assignments and exams for the next week that have my attention S Please review guys, i'd appreciate it if you told me what you thought. 'Till next time.


	4. Eraser

**The Downward Spiral **

_Chapter Four: Eraser _

_For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.'_

_John Greenleaf Whittier_

Mai sat back on her heels, still sitting on the floor where Natsuki had pushed her off. _Natsuki…_ Mai sighed sadly inwardly, watching the door where the young biker had just disappeared behind. Silence had fallen over the group like a thick fog, the tension building as steadily as the confusion was. Nao was the first person to move. Wiping her cheek gingerly she unsteadily rose to her feet. The eyes of everyone followed her slow movements.

"Don't look at me like that, four eyes." Nao shifted her eyes to stare at Yukino, who was looking at the red headed girl in sadness.

"You shouldn't have said all that." Yukino's mousy voice seemed like it was attached to a megaphone, although she had only spoken quietly.

"So I went a little far," Nao admitted, "I got caught up in the moment." She grinned devilishly.

"How can you say that!" Mai was confused. Was she the only person in the room to understand what had just happened? To understand the possible consequences that could form from this? Natsuki was unpredictable at best, and with her current state of mind, Mai wasn't sure what she would be willing to do.

Nao was silent for a moment, contemplating her response. She glanced at Yukino and Haruka, seeming to come to a decision. "Ask them."

And with that, she stalked out of the room silently. Mai was the only one to watch her go.

"Should we try to find her?" Akira asked, directing the question to Yukino, as she seemed to be the only one in the room, without regard to Haruka, that knew any of what was going on.

With her eyes still focused on the door, Yukino spoke. "I don't think you'll be able to."

* * *

Natsuki was running.

Her eyes were burning, her throat stinging, and her legs continually started to buckle. But she still ran; she couldn't stay there a second longer.

Jumping on her bike, unknowingly forgetting her helmet, Natsuki took off, tires screeching on the pavement. Her hair flew around her face wildly, the wind managing to dry the flow of tears that were still pouring down her face. Trying to concentrate on the road was not a successful this time around, and her thoughts easily managed to push past her flimsy attempts at distraction.

She knew where the road was taking her, felt a familiar comfort in the twisting bitumen, or at least, she usually would have. Today however, the only thing she felt was a burning rage, and a searing sadness that threatened to consumer her. The road started to blur dangerously in front of her, and Natsuki was once again glad for the turbo charged motorbikes speed, having arrived at her destination much sooner than any other vehicle would have. She came to and abrupt stop and dismounted, her movement hurried, as if she didn't get there soon, she would fall apart. She threw herself to the railing surrounding the side of the cliff, hanging her weight onto the bar, unable to carry herself any longer.

She wanted to yell out, to scream at the top of her lungs until the pain and confusion shattered like a million shards of glass; but she couldn't make a sound. Her face crumpled and a soft wailing noise emitted from her throat. Natsuki collapsed onto the ground, leaning her head against the metal bar. Memories were resurfacing. Memories that had been so studiously ignored for the past four months. Memories that Natsuki had refused to acknowledge, refused to face.

_Imagine, just letting her do as she pleases with you._

Natsuki squeezed her eyes shut tighter.

_What I want to know is how you could just stay still and let it happen._

Nao's word had hit closer than she could have possibly imagined. Natsuki's deepest fears that she had locked away from even herself, now out in the open. She imagined the disgust on everyone's faces. The disappointment in Mai's eyes after she realises that she did nothing to stop it. She didn't even try to fight.

_One might think you actually enjoyed it._

It felt as if she would break to pieces from the violent trembling that shook her body, with every muscle tensed as if cringing from an imminent beating. There were no longer any tears in her eyes, no wrenching sobs caught in the dry depths of her throat. Wolves have no tears. No way to show the world the pain they have inside, no way to release the well of emotion desperate to burst free. They are cold, silent and alone. Like Natsuki, curled tightly around herself, unable to break free.

* * *

Shizuru Fujino snapped shut her laptop, her work done for the day. College was a lot like high school, people don't change much in the change over to a higher educational study. They were all the same and she found herself on more than one occasion wishing for the easier days in Fuuka when Natsuki was with her to give her relief from the repetitive cycle. As it was, the only time that she could allow any real emotion to filter through her face was when it was obscured by a tea cup, and no one could see her grimace.

Natsuki…

Her mind reminded itself of the ex-hime karaoke party that had been scheduled for this evening. Glancing at the clock she noticed that it was still rather early, her studies having been finished much quicker than she had previously anticipated. She caught herself before she could change her mind about making an appearance. Natsuki needed to spend some time with the other hime. Mai in particular, as the girl would hopefully manage to get out of the blue haired girl what had been bothering her recently, as all of Shizuru's attempts had been thwarted. While it wasn't odd for Natsuki to be distant, most of her life had been spent that way, but these past few weeks had been different. She rarely smiled, barely spoke and even Shizuru's mightiest efforts could not produce a blush from the disgruntled girl. After the carnival, things had returned, mostly, to what life had been like before the whole disaster started. Natsuki and she however, were closer than ever, the icy girl having forgiven Shizuru of her sins. She who knows her sin has no sin. Her mother had told her that once. She was a foolish woman. Perhaps she had just never expected her daughter to fall so deeply into sin, never expected her to truly realise how false that statement was. Because Shizuru _had_ sinned and she had broken a trust that might possibly never be regained, no matter how 'forgiven' she might be.

The tawny haired girl ripped her thoughts away from the subject. She moved from her spot on the couch, rising with a grace that many could only ever hope to achieve when getting out of a chair, and moved into the kitchen. She felt like tea.

* * *

_Five hours later, 1am._

* * *

Having been unable to stay in the room any longer, Mai had departed in a much similar fashion as Nao. No one was talking, and, after Akira's suggestion of looking for the blue haired beauty, Mai had decided to wait for Natsuki at her apartment, knowing she wouldn't be there, but hoping she would come back eventually. Mikoto had been told to stay back at their own apartment, as Mai feared the other girls presence would only push Natsuki deeper into the well of silence that she will no doubt be in when she returns. That was four hours ago, and the busty girl was currently curled up into herself, asleep on Natsuki's couch. The older girl had given her the spare key, blushingly claiming that she might loose hers and that she needed someone to look after it. Mai had thought the cover story very sweet.

Her eyes fluttered open at the sound of the door being slammed open rather noisily, followed swiftly by a girlish giggle. Mai opened her eyes further and mentally prepared herself for the wors—wait what? A giggle? Jumping up off the couch, Mai turned to see Natsuki Kuga leaning heavily on the kitchen counter, completely drunk.

"Natsuki!" Mai's eyes were stretched so far she could _feel_ her eyelids. Whatever she had been expecting tonight it was not this. The girl could barely stand, and as Mai rushed over to the girl she collapsed, Mai just managing to catch her. Grunting, the redhead steadied them both.

"Well hallo thaar Mai." Natsuki smiled sloppily at her, eyes unfocused.

"What have you been doing? How did you get like this?" Another thought struck Mai heavily. "How did you get home?"

"T'was by a flying balloon." Natsuki slurred out a reply. A reply that made Mai think she either didn't hear the question correctly or she was too shitfaced to remember her own name let alone how she got home.

Sighing, Mai half dragged half carried the near unconscious girl towards the only bedroom in the apartment. She managed to open the door without much trouble and start to move the girl over to the bed before it happened. Natsuki had moved her head to look up at the busty girl and somehow managed to tangle her feet in the process, toppling the both of them over, where they landed on the bed with a huff, in Mai's case and a giggle, in Natsuki's case.

"Again!" Grinning, Natsuki grabbed the other girls shoulders and shook them loosely, laughing.

It was then Mai noticed a strange odour mingling with the alcohol in Natsuki's breath. Frowning she realised she could smell smoke distinctly on the girls clothes and, grabbing the girls head, she noticed how bloodshot her eyes were. Her stomach plummeted.

"Natsuki," Mai grabbed the other girls shoulders urgently, "_Natsuki._ I need you to tell me what you had to drink tonight." She stared intensely at the other girl as she struggled to form a reply.

"Ughhh, beer bears."

Next question. "Did you have anything else?"

Natsuki started to slump to the side, her eyes fluttering.

"Natsuki! Wake up!" Mai gripped her shoulders tighter, not knowing if she should let the girl fall asleep. Natsuki kept her eyes closed but started to mumble under her breath.

"Some plants 'n white lollies tee hee." Suddenly Natsuki's eyes popped open.

"They were great!" Enthusiastically she started nodding her head until she nodded so hard she fell backwards onto the pillows.

"Natsuki?" Mai ventured to peek at the collapsed girl and found her sleeping peacefully. Mai sighed, noticing she was doing that a fair bit tonight. Unable to make any sense of the garbled talk that had left Natsuki's mouth, Mai decided to let her sleep but to keep an eye on the girl should something happen. Pulling off the girls black jeans and boots she arranged Natsuki under the covers and smothered her hair down like a mother would a child. Propping herself up against the side of the wall where the bed leaned against it she settled herself in for a long night.

* * *

**A/N:** Hey all! My apologies to you, this chapter has not been read through, so feel free to point out any errors,

Thankyou to all of the reveiws, they all make me 'yay' XD

**Please review, **i'm addicted to them now! Till next time.


	5. The Becoming

**The Downward Spiral**

_Chapter Five: The Becoming_

_Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute._

_Josh Billings_

Natsuki both loved and despised mornings. There is a small moment, just a tiny second, when your eyes open and give way to confusion, when you dangle precariously on that ledge between sleep and consciousness. You can't remember who you are, where you are, what you have done. It's all lost as the mind rekindles the connection between sleep and wakefulness. Then as suddenly as the feeling comes, it passes, leaving you weighed down heavily as the truth rushes back.

Natsuki dragged her eyes open; it was proving to be a difficult task. She felt as if she had been pushed into a vat of glue and forgotten to wear goggles. Her body ached and Natsuki's attention was brought to a dull throb in her head and a sour taste in her mouth. She grimaced. Perfect.

Looking around through the crack between her eyelids, Natsuki came face to face with a mop of red hair. Her eyes decided then that it would be a good time for perfect vision and opened fully. She was greeted with the drooling visage of Mai. Raising an eyebrow Natsuki decided, wisely, that she didn't want to know and slowly started to untangle herself from the flimsy sheet, so as not to wake Mai.

She padded softly across the carpet of her room and grabbed the necessities that would be needed for a shower. Black lace panties and bra, not her first choice but the bluenette had to make do with what had been cleaned. Tight black jeans followed next onto the pile and she grabbed a random hoodie from her wardrobe before sluggishly moving into the bathroom.

Water cascaded down her back, washing away the dirt and grime that had managed to accumulate the night before. Natsuki was glad she could not remember last night; she didn't want to. All she knew is that she had dulled the pain, if only for a moment, and although the method used would not be accepted by her 'friends'…. _Well who needed them_? She thought angrily. Natsuki sighed, she knew she didn't mean that, but she couldn't help being angry. She didn't even know why she was so frustrated, it felt like there was something squeezing inside her, tightening all her muscles, straining them, until a release comes along and she had no control over when she snapped. She balled her fists, the knuckles turning white and her fingernails digging into her hand.

_What's happening to me?_

* * *

Shizuru Fujino woke startled.

Looking around her room, she searched for the disturbance to her slumber. Finding nothing she tried to recall what she had been dreaming about. That too was a wasted effort as her mind came up blank. Sighing tiredly, and writing the whole thing off, she decided to get up for the day; sleeping in was not a practiced mannerism for the young woman. Moving quietly about the apartment, Shizuru went about her morning ritual; boil water, cleanse in the shower, apply clothes, fix hair and makeup, make tea. It sounded more like a cooking recipe and less like waking up as the routine had yet to change.

Having gotten ready for the day, Shizuru set about locking the apartment. Grabbing her purse and keys she looked over the room one more time before heading for the door. She had come to an abrupt decision in the shower; she was going to visit Natsuki. She had given the girl enough space over the past week and Shizuru was starting to feel a little deprived of her cute Natsuki-chan. She giggled, imagining the look on the young bikers face if she were to call her that to her face. _Kawaii_.

* * *

Natsuki sat at her kitchen table. Her legs were propped up with her chair tilting dangerously towards the tiles. Her face was like ice, and it made Mai grimace at the prospects for the conversation ahead. Idly looking down at the mug of tea in her hand, Mai spoke quietly, so as not to frighten the tensed girl into kicking her out of the apartment.

"Listen, Natsuki, I—"Mai looked up and cut off suddenly as she stared into the slightly older girls eyes. They were so indifferent that it startled the busty girl into forgetting the rest of her sentence. A sentence that she had been trying to figure out all morning.

"You?" Natsuki raised both her eyebrows and tilted her head to the side. Mai figured that if her face held no expression she had to show her curiosity in her body movements. Or so she figured. Natsuki cracked her neck and then tilted her head to the other side, cracking that side as well. The redhead shivered, the sound was similar to that of a shoulder popping out multiple times, yes; _eww_. The action did little to calm her already fraying nerves.

"Where were you last night?" She decided to get straight to the point. Sugar-coating her words would not get answers out of the other girl.

"None of your business." Natsuki glared at the other girl, wondering why she was being interrogated in her own home. What right did Mai have, huh?

"Natsuki, I'm your friend," Mai said gently, "I just don't want to see you get hurt."

Before the other girl could continue, Natsuki spoke. "You don't want to see me get hurt? Yeah well thanks for your help at the gathering. Sure defused _that_ situation. Oh, no wait. You didn't. You just stood there like an idiot."

"What was I supposed to do?" Despite herself, Mai was feeling a prickling of guilt; she _had_ just stood there, more interested in sating her curiosity than worrying about her friend. "Natsuki, I didn't know that was going to happen! I didn't know what Nao-san was talking about."

"Well you sure do now." Natsuki slid her feet off the table and settled all four legs of the chair back onto the ground.

Mai, feeling as though she only had a limited time, spoke again. "You can talk to me, you know."

"Isn't that what we're doing."

"Natsuki." Mai chastised her, knowing the other girl was being difficult on purpose.

Sighing, the biker stood up from the table, retreating into her room for a second before re-emerging with a riding jacket and helmet. Walking past a small corner table the blue haired girl grabbed her keys and opened the draw, rummaging for a moment, before pulling out a packet of cigarettes and a lighter, shoving them both into her jacket. She had felt Mai's eyes watching her trek across the room and she turned to face the girl.

"You cant help me Mai, I'm sorry."

The girl in question furrowed her brows, not liking the way the biker was talking. "Let me try."

Natsuki exhaled air through her nose in a sort of laugh, before shaking her head. "No."

"Why not?" Mai was determined to not let the other girl get any more out of hand than she already appeared to be if last night was any indication.

Natsuki walked over to her slowly as she spoke. "Do you have any idea what it feels like, to watch your best friend become a monster? To watch her kill, torture, deceive, all in the name of love. _Love for you._" Natsuki stopped when she reached the busty girl. "And then, the ultimate betrayal," She spoke mockingly. "Do you have any idea what that feels like?"

She looked at Mai expectantly, but the younger girl was speechless.

"_Do you?_" She asked again, louder, harsher, and the redhead jumped.

"N-no."

"And that's why you can't help."

Before another word could be said, there was a knock on the front door. Two pairs of eyes darted towards it, one in relief, and the other in confusion. Natsuki cautiously moved towards the door, not really in the mood to entertain another 'guest', especially if she was just about to go for a ride and clear her head. Who knows, maybe she'd end up at that bar again.

Reaching the entrance, Natsuki unlocked the chain and swung the door open.

"Ara, Natsuki is so timely to get to the door, couldn't wait to see me ne?" The older woman tilted her head to the side, and gave the biker a closed eye smile.

"Kaichou-san?" Mai called from her spot at the kitchen table, the tone of her voice suggesting that it would be much better for her if it wasn't Shizuru at the door.

Peeking past the strangely quiet Natsuki, the honey haired woman spotted Mai further in the apartment.

"Tokiha-san, a pleasant surprise." Shizuru sounded genuinely surprised to see the kindly redhead there but figured she must have stayed with Natsuki after the Hime gathering. Turning her attention back to the still silent bluenette, Shizuru became a little confused.

"Natsuki?"

Snapping out of her dazed stare, the biker managed a reply while Mai looked on nervously. "H-h-hey." Clearing her throat, Natsuki mentally cursed her stumbling. She couldn't let Shizuru know what was going on; it would destroy her, and everything they had worked to rebuild after the carnival.

Stepping aside, Natsuki let the older girl glide into her apartment, closing the door behind her.

"I was uh, just about to head out." The girl motioned towards the motorbike helmet lying on the kitchen counter while she scratched that back of her head nervously.

"And leave Tokiha-san here alone? Natsuki, you should entertain your guests." Shizuru mocked horror at the thought of leaving a guest alone in her house.

_Great_, Natsuki groused, _how am I going to get out of this_?

"Actually Kaichou-san –"Mai was interrupted by a sickly sweet voice.

"Ara, Tokiha-san, I am no longer the Kaichou." Shizuru seemed amused that the younger girl was addressing her so.

"A-ah, of course, Fujino-san." Mai smiled nervously at the girl in front of her, wondering how she could have turned into the person she did during the carnival. Mai had not seen that side of the Kaichou and she found herself disbelieving that the woman in front of her had a fault, a weakness. Or that she had done something wrong in her entire life. She was the very picture of perfection. It made her uneasy. Suddenly she didn't want to leave Natsuki alone with the woman.

"Mai was just leaving as well." Natsuki's cool voice tore the redhead away from her thoughts and into the eyes of the bluenette.

"Then perhaps you can run you errand another time, Natsuki, and stay with me, ne?" Her voice was gentle, but almost commanding, like steel wrapped in silk.

"Uh." Natsuki glanced at Mai quickly, looking for an alternative, a way out. She didn't want to deal with Shizuru at the moment; she just wanted to be alone. "I..." She sighed, defeated. "Yeah, alright."

**A/N: **Hey all, sorry for the wait, i got concussed at soccer and had to be taken to hospital in an ambulance XD Wasnt funny at the time though lol and i cant even remember it ( haha so that was the reason for the wait.

Please tell me what you think about Shizuru in this chapter as im not sure im one hundred percent happy with it. I also have no idea where im going with this story so any suggestions will be taken into consideration. Please review i love every one i get and they encourage me to write, hint hint, nugde nudge XD

Thanks for all your support,

20Below


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